Have you Ever?

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right

Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love

Been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away

You'd give anything to make them feel the same

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart

But you don't know what to say

And you don't know where to start

Have you ever found the one

You've dreamed of all of your life

You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes

Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to

Only to find that one won't give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes and

Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby

What do I gotta say to get to your heart

To make you understand how I need you next to me

Gotta get you in my world

I know this song maybe old, but It says a lot of what I feel. Some people just don't understand that feelings sometimes can not be controlled. You can't choose whom you care for, like, or fall in love with. When you spend time with certain people you began to develop feelings. Although the feelings may not be mutual the feelings are still there. Love is a very strong word, but it is not to be mistaken with lust. You can love someone but not be in love with them. You can care about them, their well being, and safety but it does not mean you are "In LOVE" often the word love gets construed.

Something that has been on my mind...

Well, there has been a few things on my mind lately that I've been keeping to myself that I feel I need to vent about. I've been dealing with someone in my life that at one point in time felt that I couldn't live without; now for the first time in years I feel that individual is no longer need. I use to feel a void... kinda like the life was being sucked out of me every moment he was not there, and now its been weeks since I've heard his voices and I'm fine with that. I refuse to accept the phone calls, I intentionally ignore the text, and I make sure my kids are well taken care of so there is no need for concern on his end. It just dawned on me that all the time I hope, prayed, stayed and took all of the emotional and physical abuse I didn't have to. I didn't need him at all for anything. Although it was hard to readjust to living and sleeping alone again I did it. Just as any other woman I don't like to be alone, but i guess its time to get to know me and love me. On another note...I have a problem....There is this friend of mine that I like to spend time with. As much time as allowed actually. I like to spend time with this person because I think he is a great guy and he has some rare qualities about him. The problem is ... I feel myself at time catching feelings for him other then those "friendly" feelings. When times like those arise I have to remind myself that he is just a friend, and nothing more. Its hard though because I'm fighting against feelings from the heart. as we all know there seems to be a shortage of good men remaining that are actually not full of bullshit and/or drama. He is a genuine soul he is honestly a good person by nature. One thing I have noticed about us is that we both choose what to and what not to share with each other which is strange. I'm not too sure of why that is since we've been pretty cool now for three yrs. I'm usually upfront, but sometimes there are somethings I want to say, but I don't. That's not to often though! Anyway... With time I'll be able to be in the presence of this someone and not get butterflies in my stomach and my heart will be able to stop skipping a beat each time I get a hug. Just don't know... wish there was more until next time. Smooches!

Whats going on with me lately...

I'm starting to feel better already!!!

This new job is going great! After my first week of being a data entry clerk my immediate supervisor asked me if I felt comfortable being tested on the material to become a clerk auditor. "WOW", was my first thought...I can't believe they trust me enough already to move on to something bigger better and closer to more dollars. "Yes I feel that I'm ready" was my response, but deep inside I was nervous. I waited an entire day and just before it was time to leave BOOM they hit me with a team of leaders there to test me verbally. I didn't feel to sure of myself while answering and demonstrating my duties, but to my surprise I was later greeted with approval! I was so excited that I called and texted everyone in my phone. It just feels so good to do something better then sulking at home and being depressed.

My girls, well what can I say. Those little ladies are everything to me. Lately they have been acting like their having a hard time adjusting the my working schedule. I basically work 7 days a week until September and 11 hours a day. I really don't see them like I want to, but when I get home I cook dinner and we sit at the table where we have Mommy & me time. School is now out and they are ready for SUMMER TIME FUN!!! On the plus side to things our little summer vacation is still a go! We will be leave on next Thursday June 5th and returning on June 9th. I can't wait that's the only time I will have off from work because it was pre-planned before hire. I'm grateful that I didn't have to cancel this trip or else I would have felt terrible.

Now, my computer is not yet fixed :( Hopefully today I'll be able to have a update on the progress, but until then I'll have to blog on my lunch break at work. Like I'm doing now! Yay me!!! Well that's it for now but stay tuned there will be much more coming soon!

Things are coming Along Just Fine...

Well all, I've fallen behind due to my computer dying on me and right now I'm in the process of getting it repaired for now that is. Once its back up and running I'll be able to post more blogs on the regular to keep my readers up on whats going on with me.

Good NEWS! I'm loving the job even though I just started I love it. The people I work with are so nice and the job is something I don't mind doing. What I do is data entry and analyst for O'Connor and Associates. This company has been in business for over thirty years and what they do is provided a service to property owners to lower the cost of their property taxes. Now I verify and enter the asset values of land and homes for commercial and residential clients. I work long days and even weekends. I'm even working the holiday tomorrow which is no biggie. I'm making a living for my girls and I so I'm happy with that. My first off official off day won't be until June 6th, but I'm ok with that. I'm feeling so much better now and less stressed. I'm really looking forward to bigger and better things for my family and I. The kids don't seem to be to thrilled about the long hours, but they are happy that mommy has a new job and is happy with it.

On another note... my personal life has been none existing since the new job which is GREAT! No time to feel unloved and not wanted. Even though I do call him on my lunch break {which he hates!} since he is always so busy "WORKING" I just like to hear his voice. Sometimes when I call he is on his video games playing away and not listening to a word I say, but its cool. I understand its his chill time and he doesn't want to be bothered. I'm working on not calling him at all. I don't like feeling like a pest to anyone. I guess I'm just weak when it comes to "HIM". I am defiantly working on that though because I have to set a better example for my girls. I don't want them to make all the mistakes I did. I don't want them to experience all the heartache and pain that I have and will endure.

Later on today I plan on making a post with the goals I mentioned in previous blogs for the next 3 mos, 6 mos, and 12 mos. Well, actually I can list my first three goals which I have accomplished...

3 Month Goals
1. Find a new Job!!!! - May 20th
2. Began to contribute once again to my savings acct. May 21
3. Dedicate more time to my kids and set aside some me time as well. ( need time to grow, heal, and get to know ME)

Well thats all for now! Until later ...

Great NEWS!!!

For everyone that has been reading my blog know that yesterday I had an interview planned which I didn't make due to having a babysitter. Well, I called the company to reschedule for today and it went GREAT!!! I got the job and I'll be starting tomorrow. I'm so excited I just can't wait to get my feet wet again. I feel so much better. Its like an entire load of uncertainty has been lifted off of me. I'm smiling from ear to ear as I type this post. Now for some news that isn't so great but something I can deal with... my laptop blow on me Monday morning ;o( which is why I wasn't able to make any updates on yesterday. Its OK though because I'll be able to afford a new one in a few weeks so until then I'll be coming over to my aunts house to use hers. I'm feeling so good dispite a few things that happen prior this morning, but I'm not going to let "Him" or the situation change my happy time! I can't wait to my girls get home from school to tell them the great news!

Thats all I can really get in at this time, but I'll be back with much more soon! I PROMISE!!!

A Day at the Waterpark!!!

Well today my kids father and I took our girls to "Splashtown". Splashtown is a huge waterpark here in Houston, Tx. and its a great place for families to go. Today was the day that his job rented out the entire park for the company picnic. We all had a BLAST!!! There was no arguing on our part, the kids had fun, we took picture, etc. We just had a really good time. The kids where so excited that its all they've been talking about since we've gotten home. I just feel so happy that the girls enjoyed themselves so much. Their dad really came through this time. See its the things like this that makes it hard to move away because that hope began to brew again that maybe he is trying at least to be better then the past. I really don't know only time will tell, but will I allow the time needed in order for me to know or not? Probably... I don't know I'm near wits ends.

Right now I'm so tired I just want to goto bed, but thats not happening. Every Sunday I have an agenda to stick to which requires doing the girls hair for the week, wash uniforms, make sure all homework is completed, and lunches are prepared as well. So I still have about a good three hours left before I even lay eyes on the bed. It really doesn't matter I'm so use to doing all the mommy things that mom's do. It makes me happy to be able to provided and do all the things needed for my girls.

So, on another note...in previous post I mentioned that I recently was laid off due to company cut backs well tomorrow I have an interview with a growing company that has been in business for over 20 yrs. I'm so excited so I hope that those reading will wish me luck and tomorrow I'll have an update on the interview. I feel really good about this interview on tomorrow. On Friday I had a pre-screening and it went fairly well. They seem to like me and I guess my personality of being outgoing didn't hurt. I think I'm a pretty easy person to talk to, and that gets me pretty far sometimes. Its getting kinda late and I have tons of things to do so I'll be writing more tomorrow with hopefully some GOOD NEWS!!!

Wow...Ok....one thing to another...

So I didn't do what I said I was gonna do...which sucks! I've been kinda busy planning a few things out for the first EVER family vacation with my daughters, their father and I. Yes the first time ever! When my girls where 3 yrs old I took them to Seaworld. Alone and all expenses paid by yours truly " ME". Now 4 yrs later their dad and I are taking them fishing, to schlitterbahn, and a day at the beach with all expenses split 50/50!!! I can't believe it!!! I think I'm almost more excited then the girls are right now. I'm uber excited!

Now, on another note. For the pass few days I've been helping a friend out with her kids as far as babysitting, but me being who I am find it hard to tell people no. This "friend" it seems as though she has taught her kids absolutely nothing about minding their manners and listening to adults. These little girls have been so out of hand I feel bad for giving her the news that I can not help her out any longer because of her kids behavior. I know if it was me in that situation I would want someone to help me, but at the same time my girls know how to behave! I just don't know what to do because I feel so bad...

So its now time to register for summer school and I've decided to continue my core courses but yet instill undecided about my major. For the summer I plan on completing my English and History. I've also developed a interest in learning Spanish so I'm looking to take a few spanish classes as well. So we'll see how that goes and I'll make updates about it later.

Right now there are a lot of things on my mind and I can't quite clear all the thoughts out but I'm working on it. I've been through so much these past few years that sometimes you have to just jot down what bothers you most and try to work on that before moving forward. Of all things my choices that I've made in relationships bother me most. Its like since I'm a mom to three little girls I desperately want my girls to have what I never had as a kid. I've given up so much and received so little if anything at all. I was raised by my grandmother. Not my mother, and I honestly believe that just because your able to reproduce that doesn't mean that your meant to be a parent, or that your parent material. I myself believe that I was meant to be a mother. I know what it takes and what it means to give unconditional love. I will do anything for my daughters there is nothing that I can't see myself doing for them. As a child growing up I didn't know what it was to have a relationship with my mom. All I seem to remember are the bad times. I don't even recall ever hearing my mom say she loved me, or even hug me as a child. I guess some aren't able to show affection. I make sure to do all of the things I needed and wanted from my mom to show my girls what it means to love. I'm a very affectionate person and I've been that way since birth. I didn't have a father figure in my life not even a grandfather so that is something that I know nothing of. Breaking this vicious cycle is very hard. Especially when your trying all alone. See, my kids father came from a background of mom, dad, brother, etc. while me on the other hand was just myself, and granny. Thats what i call her. Anyway, even though things with my children father has not worked out thus far, and probably won't I strive to make the best of things just so they can't have him in their life. They have already had a HUGE advantage then what I've ever had. They know their dad, his name, what he likes to do, what kind of job he has, what makes him smile, whats his favoriate color etc. None of which I never knew about my donor. Thats it... He is a DONOR. Whoa!

On that note... I'll bring this post to an end. Until next time remember ...There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them."

To be continued...

So in my last post I was speaking of all the uncertain things that are engulfing my life right now. Well, sorry to say, but nothing has changed... I'm still a single parent raising three young women, still unemployed, and soul searching to find out whom I'm really destine to be in life. About two weeks ago... on a Sunday night I was browsing through some television stations and ran across Joel Osteen. Now, I'm not sure of how many of you out there are familiar with who he is, but he is sort of a motivational speaker. I sat and listen to him for the half an hour that he was on, and I decided that the words he spoke was just what I needed to hear at that very moment in which he was speaking. Hence...there is a time and place for everything! That night it was meant for me to run across Mr. Osteen. I googled his name and saw a few books he has written and even ordered one. "Becoming a Better You"... Just what I need in my life at this time ... thats what I was thinking. Within five days my book arrived. I began to read and instantly a new hope brewed inside of me that I didn't know existed . One quote that I read in his book stuck with me "The dream in your heart may be bigger than the environment in which you find yourself", but that doesn't make your dream impossible. I have hope in my heart to move forward in life. Doesn't matter if it means doing it alone as a single parent because at least my children will know that I fought a tough struggle, and didn't let my situation or circumstance defeat me.

My life has brought about many changes...and one of my favoriate quotes is " There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them." I choose to accept the responsibility for changing them. If I choose to accept the conditions as they are then I'm not expecting any changes in life. I need change. I've decided to stop looking at others my age and trying to compare myself because it only makes me feel even worst about where I am in life right now. I didn't get into this alone but its up to me to get myself on track and focused. Therefore I decided to discipline myself by making some goals. I decided to make 6 short term goals and 6 long-term goals. A total of 12 goals which is the number of months in the year. Being that it is already May, I have to crunch a few of my short-term goals to make things a bit more realistic.

So ... thats it for tonight but as the title says to be continued so be sure to check back for my next post which will have possible updates on my situation and also my short and long term goals.

Something new...

So...lately I've been dealing with a lot of depression. Some of which comes from being a single parent, the lost of my job, and learning to deal with a child that possibly has a hyperactive disorder. Seems to me that I use to be able to adjust and deal with change, but now its like my patience is very little. I honestly have a lot to deal with, and its no ones fault but my own.

I had my first child/children (twins) at the age of 18. Typical is probably the first thought of many, but it was something that happen and I choose life instead of death of an unborn child. I was actually 17 when I became pregnant by a guy in which I was so deep in love with, but it turns out that I was the only one in love. I mean...being in love and loving someone is much deeper then just having feelings or being concerned for someone else well being. This guy was my best friend before lover before the being the father of my children. We had so many things in common. It was like we where on another level in life other then those around us. Both of us had so many dreams, both of us wanted so many things out of life in general. He was a college student and I was a high school student with a soaring aspiration to become something and someone special in life. Someone to change peoples life, someone to change the entire world...well that was my dream. It seem as if I had so much to offer, but now 7 yrs later I have nothing at all to show for. A lot of time I sit and think about how life would be now if I had made different decisions in my life. Like for example... continuing college instead of dropping out to work, 0r if I had taken the offer of going off to college to become a teacher for my school district. All of which would have been paid in full because I was an outstanding student in the TAFE organization ( Teacher Association of Future Educators).

I just wonder sometimes. Please don't get me wrong or take this as regret just not being able to know my full potential kinda bugs me. I love my daughters with all my heart and soul. Nothing or no one will ever change that. I honestly believe that everything that happens in life is for a reason. Weather it be a lesson or situation to strength you; its something that you had to go through to grow. At this current time in my life I'm so undecided about so many things. I have so much going on its like I don't know where to start determine what it is that I have to do in order to get my life on track. I'm 25 and running out of time!!! I do not feel that its too late to began a career. Problem is that I'm not for certain what I want to do. I do know that I want to finally finish college by any means.

I started back going to school in the spring of this year and it didn't work out to well. I've been out of school for 3 yrs and going back has been a little tough for me to get the hang of. Also at the same time working a full time job and being mommy to three young daughters ages 7 (the twins) and a 4 yr old as well. I have to balance my homework, dinner, the kids homework, and preparing for the next day all before attending class. Whoa... its very hectic! All I know is that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get my life on track...even with all of this going on!

I've develop a strong interest in becoming a crime scene investigator which is why I choose to major in Criminal Justice. Before my was nursing. I didn't get very far at all due to the lack of commitment on my end of course. Now I'm trying to do the right thing and whats best not only for me but for my girls as well.

Being that I've written so much ...going on and on this post will be continued...