Something new...

So...lately I've been dealing with a lot of depression. Some of which comes from being a single parent, the lost of my job, and learning to deal with a child that possibly has a hyperactive disorder. Seems to me that I use to be able to adjust and deal with change, but now its like my patience is very little. I honestly have a lot to deal with, and its no ones fault but my own.

I had my first child/children (twins) at the age of 18. Typical is probably the first thought of many, but it was something that happen and I choose life instead of death of an unborn child. I was actually 17 when I became pregnant by a guy in which I was so deep in love with, but it turns out that I was the only one in love. I mean...being in love and loving someone is much deeper then just having feelings or being concerned for someone else well being. This guy was my best friend before lover before the being the father of my children. We had so many things in common. It was like we where on another level in life other then those around us. Both of us had so many dreams, both of us wanted so many things out of life in general. He was a college student and I was a high school student with a soaring aspiration to become something and someone special in life. Someone to change peoples life, someone to change the entire world...well that was my dream. It seem as if I had so much to offer, but now 7 yrs later I have nothing at all to show for. A lot of time I sit and think about how life would be now if I had made different decisions in my life. Like for example... continuing college instead of dropping out to work, 0r if I had taken the offer of going off to college to become a teacher for my school district. All of which would have been paid in full because I was an outstanding student in the TAFE organization ( Teacher Association of Future Educators).

I just wonder sometimes. Please don't get me wrong or take this as regret just not being able to know my full potential kinda bugs me. I love my daughters with all my heart and soul. Nothing or no one will ever change that. I honestly believe that everything that happens in life is for a reason. Weather it be a lesson or situation to strength you; its something that you had to go through to grow. At this current time in my life I'm so undecided about so many things. I have so much going on its like I don't know where to start determine what it is that I have to do in order to get my life on track. I'm 25 and running out of time!!! I do not feel that its too late to began a career. Problem is that I'm not for certain what I want to do. I do know that I want to finally finish college by any means.

I started back going to school in the spring of this year and it didn't work out to well. I've been out of school for 3 yrs and going back has been a little tough for me to get the hang of. Also at the same time working a full time job and being mommy to three young daughters ages 7 (the twins) and a 4 yr old as well. I have to balance my homework, dinner, the kids homework, and preparing for the next day all before attending class. Whoa... its very hectic! All I know is that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get my life on track...even with all of this going on!

I've develop a strong interest in becoming a crime scene investigator which is why I choose to major in Criminal Justice. Before my was nursing. I didn't get very far at all due to the lack of commitment on my end of course. Now I'm trying to do the right thing and whats best not only for me but for my girls as well.

Being that I've written so much ...going on and on this post will be continued...